When did the right swipe replace the sexy romp?

Swipe right or swipe left: dating on Bumble
Swiping left on modern dating apps

Remember when crossing bases actually included bodies? And, other antiquated notions of dating that Bumble dispelled for this not-at-all-in-distress damsel.

If my experiences on Bumble have taught me anything it’s that swiping has replaced sweating beneath the sheets, and no one seems to be saying something about it. Call me old fashioned, but what I used to consider as first base was a meeting of two human beings – alongside, maybe, some making out and, perhaps even some heavy petting. However, I’ve come to realize that now first base is a fast swipe right, a touch of not-so-titillating conversation and maybe not much more than that.

Second base – if you ever even get there – may be migrating from chatting via Bumble to actual texting (cue excessive use of emojis and, typically, a ton of spelling mistakes). I made this step toward second with 18 of my matches, inclusive of sometimes giving them access to the sexy photo/video fuelled Snapchat. Modern second base, at least for me anyways, seems to include sexting.

How sexy can sexting really be when you don’t actually have sex? (Say that ten times fast)

Oh, the sext: what a fun way to waste the day and achieve no actual fulfillment – except for perhaps an eyebrow raise or slightly increased heartrate when one of your matches actually knows how to muster up a nasty enough narrative to intrigue your…(I’m new to this, what semi-appropriate term can I use here) pretty kitty? While many of my sext swiping suitors were very enthusiastic about seeing my PK, they only wanted photos of it, which my female friends, I am sure you know how fulfilling and empowering that feels.

Like, how many times are you going to tell me you’re horny and then not follow through with the *insert expletive here* hangout? Last time I checked, my profile did not list phone sex operator as my occupation. Further, I am pretty damn sure foreplay is referred to as such because it is supposed to come before playing, which implies the playing should actually happen…But no, not on Bumble.

Why meet in real life when you can just continue to swipe?

Unfulfilled lust-filled promise after unconsummated conversation, I really began to wonder why men on Bumble seem so interested in initiating and engaging with these digital dalliances without wanting to actually do the horizontal tango. Worse still, I even found myself getting sucked into sexting square offs that I wasn’t interested in because I thought, “Hey, maybe this will progress things,” only to realize all I was really doing was putting too cheap of a price on my PK.

In the good old days, you got used for sex (and that, sometimes, really sucked), but nowadays, you get used for…a digital diddle? Excuse me for sounding like a total Millennial right now, but like what the actual fuck?

Sex with two consenting adults can be absolutely awesome. I mean, let’s be honest, it can also be absolutely awful. But, even at it’s worst, can we please all admit it is better than endless hours of pretending you’re maybe kind of sort of going to have sex? How are 50 million people seemingly so satisfied with only getting their rocks off online? And, where the hell is all this anxiety about actually bumping uglies coming from?

In my next blog, I am going to dig deeper into what, I feel, may be the shitty, cracked foundation of this ramp

Swipe right or swipe left: dating on Bumble
Swiping left on modern dating apps

ant social anxiousness around actually getting to go all fifty shades of filthy with a real human being.

Check back and please comment below about topics you’d like us to buzz about!

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