Under the blankets, beside a soft sea of stuffed animals I sit in bed in the room I grew up in. Across from me is a print of Van Gogh’s bedroom in Arles, a batik wall hanging in a rainbow of indigoes, a 2018 Yoga Cats calendar that no one claimed, and two mirrors. A small, rather high rectangular window to my left lets in the sparse amount of light that is afforded by the dark prairie morning. That small frame was my eye to the next door neighbours, whose comings and goings I would observe from my bedroom. I always wondered if they could see me.
Last night we wrote our wishes on pieces of crumpled tissue paper and set them alight on the front steps, which was a funny few minutes because they didn’t become released into the universe in a blaze of smoke as promised. Instead, they needed a few sparks from the long barbeque lighter and some intent staring by those of us gathered in the cold. No matter, it was nice. On my piece of paper, it said: “Better Quality Love”, which is mainly in reference to romance…Not that I am searching for love necessarily, but maybe I am. I feel shy to say that because it seems impossible and because saying what I really want, and need, is hard. It’s like once I say it then I’m accountable for finding it, as though it was a treasure to locate at the end of a child’s dotted line. HA.
It’s the most difficult thing to find. I know that the jewels and gold are already inside of me and the map is my journey. I have done so much work charting out a life that is strong, skilled, and in line with who I deserve to be. Yet, I still have a very hard time finding a ‘mate’ that comes close to what I tell myself I want. This is due in large part to how and what I’ve been looking: dating apps and the physicality they can help generate. I need to recalibrate my approach and let my deeper desires guide me more directly. But what does that look like? Who knows, exactly, but figuring it out may lead me closer to that the X atop the hidden chest. You get what you give, right? I never take the easy path in any other aspect of life, so why would I continue to do so in this matter that matters a great deal? I’m nervous and excited to open up to the broader universe of love and wonder what will transpire as I stir deeper sands.
I was thinking about resolutions and the word ‘resolve’, which emerged as we know it in the late 14th century from the French term resolveror (“melt, dissolve, reduce to liquid”) + the Latin word resolvere (“to loosen, loose, unyoke, undo; explain; relax; set free; make void, dispel”). What wonderfully evocative tendrils of meaning to hang on to and find myself in as I set about on my voyage to not only find what I really want but also register how I’m really feeling. That’s not as easy as we think sometimes, nor is it as pretty. But it’s always teaching us. As I put myself to bed before 12 am last nite, I felt sad because I had no one to really care for me, in the sense of a man/partner. I felt alone and sat slumped on the lumpy pull out bed with one leg inside and one leg outside of my tights. I adore being home and feel so connected on very powerful levels when I’m here, but that’s one set of love(s). There is another that I am without and want. With my arm around a white and black rabbit stuffy, I cried because I felt sad and because I was being honest with myself. That was good.
Angels and Ancestors is the name of the oracle cards I was gifted by one of my sisters this Christmas. It’s my first deck and as I read through the beautiful little book and access the old wisdom from the pile, I am invited into some very special magic. Yesterday I pulled The Warrior and The Shapeshifter, which embody the principles of fearlessness, strength, transformation, and unveiling my gifts. The very first card I pulled was the Warrior Symbol of the Mountains, which is about standing your ground. These guiding ideas shimmer and excite me as I lay my truer intentions down in this new year, this new page.